Dealing with Death

Dealing with the death of a loved one is always a difficult thing…but when that loved one was young, fit, and vibrant, it’s even harder.  On Nov. 2, this community lost a phenomenal individual: LeAnn Rhoades. She was a positive soul. She carried an energetic spirit. She had a contagious smile. She was my friend.

Dealing with her death, which came far too soon at the age of 39, I struggled with my own feelings of how to handle it. Aren’t people older than you supposed to die first? It wasn’t fair. It was plain wrong. The week immediately afterward, I simply walked around like a deer in the headlights saying “it’s wrong.” It wasn’t exactly the best way to deal with death…but it’s what I did.

The good news is that I am in the majority because most people do not handle death very well. According to the American Psychological Association, dealing with the loss of a loved one is one of the hardest challenges we will face. The grief is pretty intense and often places people in states of shock and confusion, which lead to prolonged periods of sadness or depression. Time is often the key because we, as humans, need to grieve to overcome the feelings and embrace the love and time you had with the individual who is now gone.

Mounds of research have shown that death invokes significant stress for those left behind.  In fact, some start to contemplate their own demise and sink into an emotional state identified as death anxiety. As death anxiety grows, the individual often struggles to function appropriately, negatively affecting their job, family and general living capabilities. Moving on with your life is a key part of your survival.

The American Psychological Association suggests five key ways to help you move on with your life:

1. Talk about it. Don’t keep your feelings bottled up as that will make the grief more intense. Talk about with family and friends and share the memories you have with your loved one. Yes, you’ll likely cry and laugh, but you need the release to begin to heal.

2. Accept your feelings. A myriad of emotions will pour out in times of high stress like death. Sadness, anger, frustration, and exhaustion are normal. Allow them to happen as you will fare better through the grieving process.

3. Take care of yourself. Eat, sleep, and exercise. Make sure you take care of yourself because a lack of food, sleep and physical activity will create additional stressors on your body that you do not need during this time period.

4. Reach out for help. For some, getting professional help for a short period of time will help. Sharing your story with an objective listener can be therapeutic and help you heal smoothly.

5. Celebrate your loved one. Hold a dinner in their honor, make a donation in their name, post a memorial to your Facebook page…any and all of these will keep the memory of your loved one alive. It will also help you remember the good times you had.

I am now in the celebrating LeAnn phase of my recovery. For me, LeAnn was my inspiration to become certified to teach Les Mills’ BodyPump^TM, a group fitness class. The Tuesday following her death, I dedicated my class routine in LeAnn’s memory – and 25 class participants got to see a little piece of LeAnn in me. That gift that LeAnn gave me will always be with me. And, for that, I am truly grateful.

For those who have recently lost a loved one, please know that you are not alone in your grief. Work through it by the aforementioned five suggestions. You will find that you will come out the other side with a fresh and renewed celebration of your deceased family member or friend. Ironically, you will end up seeing that person in many things that you do. YOU will carry that person’s spirit with you.

Works used for this article:

American Psychological Association. (2014). Grief: Coping with the loss of your loved one. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/grief.aspx

Sliter, M. T., Sinclair, R. R., Yuan, Z., and Mohr, C. D. (2014). Don’t fear the reaper: Trait death anxiety, mortality salience, and occupational health. Journal of Applied Psychology, 99(4), 759-769.